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Jul 19 2012

Lying Face Up On The Floor.

Once again I am listening to a song by Incubus. It’s called Aqueous Transmission

 

I’m just floating along now, drifting softly downriver. It’s after the storm when everything gets kind of calm and peaceful like. I can see some of the damage the storm has caused, I had no idea how much power it could have and how quickly things could boom and crash and bust apart. I’ve been here before and I always steered clear of this area. There always seemed to be a dangerous undercurrent here, just before the bend. I was afraid to be caught in the current from all the debris that has sat there just below the surface for who knows how long. I was afraid to become trapped, never to surface again.

 

But strangely enough, the storm has cleared my view and my path. I can see the delta up ahead. I could settle here and rest a while until I’m ready to move downstream again. I don’t think I have very much farther to go before I reach the ocean. I used to be afraid of the water but I find myself relaxing on the floor of my raft with one arm dangling over the side. The water moves through my fingers leaving the smallest little trail of ripples from where I just came.

 

Have you ever been invited to engage in a battle? Have you ever received a note or letter or phone-call or email from someone who was screaming for a response? You know no matter what you say or how eloquent or intelligent the response, it will get you absolutely nowhere.

 

Yet you still want to respond. You have important points to make, legitimate points.

 

So you type, faster than you thought you were capable of. Too bad you couldn’t pull this off at your last job interview.  The words electrically shoot out of your brain, down your arm and spark off your fingertips onto a sheet of fresh white paper or your flickering computer screen. You are amazed at how quickly you can spout off the answer to your critic; you leave no drafts or crumpled papers on the floor. You know exactly what you are going to say, it’s obvious that you have written this letter before in your mind, maybe on more than one occasion.

 

Then you finish, pleased with your most brilliant piece of work. It gets right to the heart of the matter and is as hurtful as the note you received, maybe even better because your note is exactly what your critic needs to hear. it will change everything. It will turn the world on its axis. It is a masterpiece.

 

I wrote one of these today. I had my mouse hovered over the send button three times. I stepped away from the computer for two hours. I went back to it twice during that time, for only a second.

 

I knew what I had to say was the truth and they needed to hear it.

I knew I had been and falsely accused.

I knew that I wanted to hurt someone as much as I had been hurt. I knew I had that power.

I knew I had a right to speak my mind and defend myself.

But then I wondered if I did have to defend myself.

Why should I?

But I wanted to be right. I am right I argued.

What was a retaliation letter going to accomplish?

I knew that the recipient would be enraged and hurt at first, and then want to fight some more.

Then I realized that it would not change anything or heal anything.

I knew that it would cause an all out war with email missiles flying back and forth, probably all day long or at least until someone got tired.

I knew they also thought they were right.

 

Then it occurred to me…

Last night I said that I felt like I was 10.

The anger and frustration that was in that letter was written by that 10-year-old girl, not the woman that I am now.

I also remembered that in order to be right, I have to make someone wrong.  That’s not what I am interested in, not at this point in my life.

So I bowed out.

I let them win.

I let them be right.

I went back to the computer and clicked delete.

 

As much as I know I have the power to choose to hurt someone, I have the power to stop the energy of anger and hate at my end. I don’t have to pass it along or send it back even more charged. I don’t have to hold onto it either. I’ve got a stop sign at the entrance of my mind and heart. It cannot enter here if I don’t want it to.

With that, the energy that was looming over me, in front of me, waiting for direction to where it should go next, just fizzled and slowly changed form into something that was now a dim light. And it has helped me to see even clearer as the night approaches. I will sleep well tonight.

Last night it was supposed to storm. It took a little longer to get here than I expected. I woke up to the thunder and the rain. It poured hard this morning and then sprinkled and stayed cloudy for most of the day.

I went out a few times to stand in it for a while. It felt good.

It’s supposed to be a beautiful day tomorrow with sunshine and comfortable temperatures.

 

 I have had enough heat to last me a lifetime.

As much as I needed the storm to clear my path, I need the sun and a cool summer breeze to refresh me

. I’m looking forward to the change.

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