Jul 12 2012

Starting over and getting back in balance.

I started over yesterday just like I said I would. Isn’t that a great thing. It doesn’t matter where you’ve been or what you’ve done, you can just choose to start over at any time, any place and at any hour of the day.

I reread some of my posts in the last month or so. Apparently I’m on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. One day all is right with the world and sometimes only a few hours later I’m in a bit of an emotional pickle. It’s hard to stay focused and balanced when your attention is pulled into 10 directions all at the same time.

For instance, I take a look at my finances one moment and am confident the budget will work out well for the next couple of weeks. I take a deep breath of relief. I’m happy that I can splurge on the mulch for the garden. I’m trying to build a corner in the yard I can retreat to. I’m in a delightful mood and jot off an upbeat post .

Then my son calls and his lease is out on his apartment in two weeks and he hasn’t found anything that he can afford. I wonder even if he does, how is he going to move his stuff from one place to another on his own. He doesn’t have his first and last months rent either. It’s so expensive where he lives. I just want him to come home.

I picture him roaming the streets of the big city he is in, carrying his backpack with an unshaven face and holes in his shoes while I dig a trench in the yard to create my oasis. The pictures in my mind begin to take over so I dig faster and harder to get to the quiet place. I begin to overheat and go back inside to take a look at my budget again. My jaw tightens. How can I pull this off and help him out. I argue with myself not to keep saving everybody. He’s got to learn on his own. This was his choice to move away. But I can’t stop thinking about it.

Then my daughter walks in and says she has some bills to pay. I see she is stressed. She doesn’t start her new job for another month. The job she has worked to pay her way through school has cut her hours. They know she is leaving so they have all but removed her from the schedule. She is über stressed and sighs alot around me. I start sighing too. It’s catchy, just like a sneeze.

I take a look at the budget again. How can I help them both out? Should I? Am I keeping them from developing their own life skills if I do? If I do help them, that means I am going back into debt and I don’t have a steady job to pay it back down. I wonder what to do. I am torn.

So I write another post to distract me.  The undertone is less than sunny.

I let go of this moment and my concern for a while and head into the next one. I’m distracted by someone who knocks on the door and the visit gives me a reprieve from my worries.

I write a positive post.

But then the phone rings and my Mom is not well and someone else calls to mention that the grass at her house needs cutting. I look at the calendar to see if it’s our week to cut it. It is. I wake my son out of bed and I gather the trimmer and head over to spend time in her yard to make it look lovely. I come back home to my abandoned trench in the yard and I’m too tired now to finish it.

You guessed it, another partly cloudy post.

Yesterday I realized that I need the balance back in my life. I need some down time to think calmly and to focus myself on what is going well. I put the budget aside and the list of chores to do that I started two days ago and never got to.

I sat on the front porch with a book of spiritual study. I laid it on my lap and my eyes got heavy. I was so tired, I didn’t even have the energy to read the pages. I prayed to find some wisdom in this book through osmosis. Then I fell asleep. I wasn’t trying to. I just know I must have because I awoke an hour later with my mouth gaping open and some drool in the corner of my mouth. I woke up because I heard a car revving away. I think they may have stopped to gawk at me or to see if I was breathing.

Then I tinkered a little in the yard and then made dinner. I sat down to read again while I was waiting to pick up my youngest son from work. I fell asleep again and I missed the end of his shift. I woke up as he was walking in the house slightly unimpressed with me. Thank goodness my daughter had noticed his hours on the fridge and had picked him up herself. He was still annoyed with me though. I was too tired to tell him to get over it.

These distractions from my road to inner peace are driving me bananas. This isn’t even the half of it. Some of the situations that are in my midst, I cannot even talk about because I am respecting the privacy of others..yet they weigh on me heavily.

The only thing I can do is look at what is real in front of me right now. I cannot look at what might happen or happened yesterday or last week. It’s done now or it hasn’t happened yet so it does not exist in the present. The only thing real is the moment I am in right now. Right now my dog is barking at the dog next door. My son has a roof over his head today and he has groceries. My daughter is sitting on the porch relaxing. and I am spending a few minutes writing before I head back outside too.

I’m going to mill around in the yard and see who travels by my way. Some angel always does. I’m going to align myself with nature. I’m going to feel the sun on my skin. I’m going to clean the bird doo off of my white picket fence and paint it. If I want to see some peaceful change and  a more positive vision of my life and home, I’m just going to have to create it brush stroke by brush stroke.

I’m off!


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