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Jun 26 2012

My God Box

John Mayers opening lines to the song “Clarity”…. that’s me in a nutshell sometimes!

I have this old cigar box. I bought it at an antique shop years ago. I don’t even know if it’s that old or if it was just made to look that way. It doesn’t matter, it looks mysterious, like it holds secrets. It does.

For years I’ve used it to send my letters in a sort of symbolic post office box to God. In the past five or so years, I’ve upgraded the box to a deeper wooden one that at one time was my Pepe’s; this has accommodated the larger volume of mail that I have needed to forward.

Sometimes my letters are full of my worries and fears. I write them down and ship them off. I know I cannot handle them all by myself. I don’t adhere to any rules of writing. I never put them in chronological order. I don’t check my spelling or grammar; Most of the time I write them out in a burst of panic. I figure it’s better to get them out of my head than to carry them around all day. Once they’re in the God Box, I know that they are halfway to being addressed. Then I wait for the reassurance to come or the strength to face whatever it is that I think threatens me.

Sometimes I write notes asking what in the world He/She was thinking when this or that happened. Sometimes I swear a little.  I think there is great value in a well placed F word. To me, it’s just a couple of consonants and a vowel that emits a sound that releases a deep-rooted anger or pain. The sound of the F as it bites against your lip and the hard CK at the end that announces when you’re emoting is complete can bring a lot of relief.

I know some people don’t like swearing at all but I think it’s far more vulgar to gossip and talk meanly about someone either to them or behind their back. Telling someone that they are fat or ugly or stupid (which kills their spirit) or laughing or snubbing someone for the way they are dressed or are just plain different from you is far more crude and offensive than shouting F#Ck when you stub your toe.

Sometimes you just need to get the depth of what you feel out.

For instance, I could write,

Dear God, I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment and am a little frightened about …..  I am particularly concerned with…. Now I don’t mean to criticize you 🙂 but I have some concerns. Not big ones, I don’t want you to be mad at me for writing this LOL…….

or I could write.

 Dear God, I am F-ing scared S#_T less. I don’t know what the F I am doing and how to handle all of this. The stuff that has been happening lately is BullS#_T. Now I know you have a plan but you seriously have to let me in on it. Write back quick. I’m hanging on by an F-ing thread.

So far, He/She doesn’t seem to mind. I think He/She is happier that we are honestly and continuously communicating.  

Eventually He/She may prompt me to use different language, just like I felt an urge and a knowing that gossip was as dangerous to me as it was to the person gossiped about. . It made me feel low-class and dirty, less than my best.  Right now the swearing doesn’t feel to be on the list of priorities.

Sometimes, I send a letter of hopes and dreams. I may write a list of 30 or so things that I would like to do or experience in life. I figure that if God wants the best for me than I may as well tell him some of my ideas to see if they correspond with the divine plan. I think it’s harder for something to happen if you can’t conceive of it or imagine it as a thought first.

Sometimes I write a note of thanks and I list all the things that I am grateful for. Of course, seeing as I am human I always end up saying, “Thank you for this and that, I am grateful to you for everything you have brought into my life……but now I could really use a…….

I imagine He/She sitting at the desk, opening my letter and saying, Good Idea…yep…good….not so smart….maybe someday……is she nuts?

I let my letters simmer in the God Box, in the place between here and there for months; sometimes years.

Eventually, maybe as I am putting another note in, I will pull out an old one and read it myself.  I am often amazed to find that the most of the things I worried about didn’t happen. The few that did, I had the strength for. I will find that some of my hopes and dreams came true, the others no longer seem as important as they once did.  I will realize that I was given and experienced even better things than I had ever imagined for myself.

Sometimes I will recognize that I am still hanging on to something that I should have let go of years ago. Sometimes I notice that I sounded a little whiny back then or self-righteous. I may still struggle with it but I am pleased to know that at least I have come far enough along to recognize it in myself.  That’s half the battle.

Today I will write a note to God. I will start it with; Dear God, Wow have I ever been a dumb A$$ lately! Is there any way you can erase a couple of things for me. J.K. LOL.  But seriously… 🙂

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